best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
