"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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