im six kinds of drunk right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
