Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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