I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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