i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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