2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
