I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
