6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
