If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
