do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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