Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
