hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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