Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
