her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
