Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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