Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
