I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Randomize
