hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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