Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
