dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you didnt know i had herpes?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
