I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
