Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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