were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
