Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
