i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
