Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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