So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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