you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
