I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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