Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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