My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My penis needs a shock collar
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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