He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
