all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
