I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
