Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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