Don't you send me to vm
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
