Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
handjob tips. give me some.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
