apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
