turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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