my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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