everyone is single if you try hard enough
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
