stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
