today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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