i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
