I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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