it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
