Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
