My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
