Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
